By Chas Smith
"Ey, better luck next time zon, go back to yourocean."
I spent yesterday commuting back to Californiafrom glorious France where each sunset is a bouquet, each croissantas if handmade Nina Métayer herself, each bite of foie gras, streetaccordion note of La Vie en Rose, every “bonjour” from neighborhoodgendarmerie passing three by three with a doff of beret an eventworth enshrining forever in the Louvre.
Alas it is over, the 2024 Olympics now finished alongside theParis Opera Ballet’s famed Ecole de Danse summer intensive programand the commute home was rough, landing in a wildly overcrowdedLAX, ugly aging functional architecture assaulting the eyes butmuch better than Olympic surfing silver medalist Jack Robinson ashe returned to his Australian home and was assaulted, verbally, bya French expat working in the Brisbane airport.
Robinson took to TikTok where he shared the encounter with his67 million followers, revealing, “Yeah ze French guy in theAustralian customs. So on my way back from Tahiti I arrive from zeflight and I get ze dec-er-al-ation, I come to ze customs, the guylooks at me and says ‘Ey, better luck next time zon, go back toyour ocean.'”
@jackrobinsonsurf What are the odds ofbeing welcomed like this #TeamAustralia #olympics ♬ original sound – JackRobinson
Unclear why Western Australian native was using the typicalGerman “ze” to re-mock the employee, which was eminiscent of thewonderful scene in Snatch where Jason Statham fun made StephenGraham for carrying a gun.
In any case, most of Robinson’s fans found the encounter funny,responding in typical Australian “ha ha ha classic, mate” fashionthough some dug deep to their inner Brazilian and became incensed.One penned, “Forget the customs officer…This kind of person thathates and provokes everyone, including the French…French reallylove Australians” and “He can go back to his ‘La Seine.'” Another,“Bro the French are co*cky asf, you did good man” and “Why theFrench so smug? That’s a Tahitian gold, not a ‘French’ one.”
I guess with the lack of death threats and poop emojis not, infact, Brazilian but, like Turkish, Tommy and ze Germans, funnonetheless.
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By DerekRielly
"Crazy wave that puppy!" says Tom Carroll.
The Hawaiian surfer and popular vlogger Koa Rothman, forwhom no wave is too big nor slab too meaty or thick, hasreported “one of the best days of surfing in my life” after asession at Kanduis in western Indonesia.
Rothman, whose creamy tan handsomeness and bawdy surfer boypersonality could shuck anyone out of their drawers, scythed hisway through barrels most regulars would describe asterror-hideous.
But Rothman, thirty, from Sunset Beach although his preferredhis wave is Pipeline, a wave that almost claimed his lifein January, tamed the swell with a rakish co*ck of hishead, tip-toeing along the precipice, a dangerous situation inwhich the surfer is extremely close to disaster or failure.
“Today was crazy. One of the best days of life I’ve had mylife,” writes Koa.
A subsequent post gifts the viewer a water angle.
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The Indonesian adventure marks a return to form for Rothmanwhose Australian vacay was marred by surflocals who tried to muzzle the Jewish-Hawaiian superstar. Aftersurfing a popular big-wave near Manly called Deadmans, Rothmanreturned to his car to find a sign warning him to not film for hisYouTube channel.
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By DerekRielly
"Now you don't have your little friend to try tocover for you!!! You messed with those who are quiet!! This isBrazil!"
It might be hard to believe but it’s only been two weekssince the the surfing judge Ben Lowe was booted out ofTahiti because of a photo where he stood alongsideAustralian surf coach Bede Durbidge and Australia Olympic surferEthan Ewing.
All three men come from the same Queensland island,North Stradbroke, and someonesaid, hey boys, let’s get a photo of you guys together, not awareof the tears it would rouse in the quick-to-ire Brazilian surffan.
More than anyone, this photo upset big-wave surfer Pedro Scooby,a serial complainer who believes an anti-Brazil element inhabitshigh-level surf judging despite Brazilians winning every men’sworld title since 2018 and even at the Tokyo Games where Italo tookgold. .
“During the Tokyo games, there was a judge who assigned thehighest scores to Medina’s opponents in the same heat, while givinghim the lowest marks,” wrote Scooby. “A formal complaint was lodgedagainst this judge to the Olympic Committee, but nothing was done.This guy is back again. Just today, while relaxing at home, Ireceived a WhatsApp photo of him hugging Ethan, who is the onethat, if Medina advances, could face him in the semifinals.”
(Scooby is no stranger to these pages.You’ll recall JP Currie’sextensive coverage of allegations Scooby allegedly became NeymarJr’s lover at a sex party..“The allegations came via a Brazilian womanwho identifies as an ‘influencer’, a term I find so distasteful Iwon’t mention her name. She alleges that she and another womanjoined Neymar Jr and Scooby for a foursome, but that the two menwere far more interested in eachother.”However, it’s not the first time thetabloid press have made allegations about Neymar Jr’s sexuality,in particular the nature of hisfriendship with Gabriel Medina.)
Anyway, long story short, as they say, a BeachGrit readerpointed out that Brazilian fans have massed in the comments ofEthan Ewing’s Instagram account, carpet-bombing the baby-facedtwenty-five-year-old Australian with the “plumpest and mostspankable bottom in surfing”.
There’s history, of course. Brazilian surf fans promised, in aDM, to kill Ewing after judges awarded him a victory over GabrielMedina in 2023.
“One day, you will compete here in Brazil andus will remember you. Get ready,” wrote the Brazilian surf fan.“I’m saying again, here in Brazil, we will kill you. Saquarema willbe your funeral.”
Ewing posted the DM responding, “Howgood are surfing fans!”
Interestingly, it was the fury ofthe Brazilian surf fan that motivated Ewing to rush his return froma back injury at Teahupoo so he could compete on Finals Day andtherefore deprive Medina of coming in as areplacement.
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By DerekRielly
“The biggest and most advanced artificial wavefacility in the world.”
It’s been almost one year since the world’s greatestathlete and, rapidly, one its most opportunistic businessmen, KellySlater, delivered a brace of surfing champions to hiseponymous wave pool in the Persian Gulf, the capital city of theUnited Arab Emirates.
The small-wave wizard Filipe Toledo, no lover of Teahupoo it’s truebut the greatest ever in waves that ascend to the waist but notbeyond, showed his “adult” and “barbaric turns” at thetank.
The procession of stars included WSL in-water commentatorStrider Wasilewski, noted for “attack dog tit*”, three-time world champion Gabriel Medina, eight-time worldchampion Stephanie Gilmore, Caroline Marks, Jeremy Flores, “Human Viagra” Raimana Van Bastolaer, iconic filmmaker Taylor Steele, along with Kelly Slater’s former personal assistant Stephen “Belly”Bell.
“There was room for error on the wave yet it still had power anda heavy barrel,” wrote Strider Wasilewski.
And, now, after much ado, the joint is going to open to thepublic in around six weeks with bookings opening inSeptember.
In a press release, Modon Properties claimed,
“Surf Abu Dhabi will be the biggest and most advanced artificialwave facility in the world. Designed in partnership with KellySlater Wave Co., the landmark destination will offer ahigh-performance surfing experience, featuring the world’s longestride, biggest barrel, and largest man-made wave pool.”
And, in a post on the SurfAbuDhabi Instagram account:
WE’RE ON! Can’t wait to see you all in October. Thank youfor staying curious and sharing the love for Surf Abu Dhabi, it’sall happening!
And before you flood our DMs –bookings for Octobersessions will be live on our website in September.
No mention of price etc, although if similar to Slater’s Lemoorefacility expect 50k a day for the whole pool, minimum or 20-ish fora morning or night session.
A small price to pay for the waves of your life etc.
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By DerekRielly
“It’s easy to underestimate a head injury. There’slots of serious side effects that can sneak up on you."
If you saw Ross Williams waiting for a bus you’d neverguess he used to be one of the best surfers in theworld.
Almost sixty-one, a lazy hairline that holds a haircut like adust-mop, a chubby figure that changes weight according to hismood.
But put him behind a microphone, atthe helm of a prized athlete or in the water and heglows.
Now, in a troubling post to Instagram, Ross Williams hasrevealed he’s suffered multiple head injuries while surfing.
“Over the last five or six years I’ve had a couple of prettyserious concussion,” writes Williams, who is pictured wearing a take-homehelmet called a Sonal, which is made by a Newport-based companycalled Wave Neuro.
“Two of them were at my favourite surf spot, Haleiwa. (Shout outto my boy Kawika for pulling me out of the water. I was out bymyself. The waves were 10 to 12 feet, pretty maxed out Haleiwa.Good thing he was there as I was unconscious for a couple ofseconds.)
Editor’s note: The one-time Momentumstar needed eleven staples and plastic surgery after he, “dove headfirst after a wave into the ‘toilet bowl’ straight into the reef. Icracked my head open and nearly ripped a piece of my nose off.”
“It’s easy to underestimate a head injury. There’s lots ofserious side effects that can sneak up on you. The good people at@waveneuro have been so helpful to me and my family. My daughter@sebbie_williams also had a severe concussion (much more seriousthan mine!). With their help we’ve had great therapy andguidance.”
The former sparring partner of Kelly Slater, and nowsemi-retired father of three, is no stranger to injury. Four yearsago, while rehabbing a tweaked knee, he clipped his ridingpartner’s wheel at forty clicks an hour, hit the bitumen andgot…degloved.
The gruesome injury, which is called a Morel-Lavallée lesion, isan “abrupt separation of skin and subcutaneous tissues fromunderlying fascia.”
Skin ripped off limb to reveal underlying mechanics, like thelittle leg of a butchered dog.
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